The Wet Spot: The truth about Asian massage parlors

This is how stereotypes happen.
Last month, an Asian massage parlor in Eden Prairie called Planet Shikoku Rejuvenation Station got busted by undercover cops for alleged prostitution. Check it out.
My first thought was obviously, "Why has my dad been acting so nervous lately?" But then I thought, "What would make cops suspicious of this Asian massage parlor instead of all the others?"
A few days later, I found an ad in a local magazine for Planet Shikoku that answered my question. Word-for-word, here's what it said:

Men are from Mars!
Women are from Venus,
We understand that sometimes,
It's all about the Penis!
But there's NO UNHAPPY ENDINGS here,
Because we don't do anything wrong,
We will stroke your ego,
Not your ding dong!

Enjoy our tender loving care,
You can completely relax,
Have fun and never worry,
There are NO sex acts!
Don't be shy, no need to hide,
No need to cover or to camouflage,
Just remember, the better you behave,
The better we massage!
Now introducing the THAI BUTTERFLY massage!
(A special treat for our best behaving clients!)
Way to ruin it for everyone, Planet Shikoku.
Now, anyone who knows me knows that there is one thing in this world that I love more than anything: Asian massage parlors. (And Savage Garden.
But mostly Asian massage parlors.) I would seriously recommend them to
anyone, and one day I look forward to bringing my own children along
with me so that they too can experience the joys of a Thai butterfly
massage.

But for inexperienced folks, choosing the right establishment can be
a little scary. Will it feel good? Will it cost too much? Will I get
called-out on Fox 9 News for spending my lunch break there three times
a week?
Don't worry. I've got your back.
This week, I'm giving you my tips for choosing the right Asian
massage parlor for your needs and helping you sort out the respectable
dojos of stress release from the places to score a sweet HJ for $42 on
top of the standard massage fee, as long as you mention that you are an
erotic columnist with City Pages and promise to never write about the
experience later on.
Tip #1: Never trust a strip mall
Have you ever been into a strip mall dollar store where the kid behind the counter DIDN'T try to sell you a tank of Nitrous Oxide that's supposed to be used for helium balloons? Me neither. 
A lot of sketchy shit happens in strip malls, and from my experience the best massage specialists aren't working next door to Starbucks. Instead, look for massage parlors that are located near something classy and non-threatening like a karaoke bar or Chuck-E-Cheese. Basically, anywhere you would go looking for cool people to hang out with is a good place to get a rubdown.
Tip #2: Look for places that offer "hypno-massage"
In case you're not familiar, a hypno-massage is a combination of hypnosis to relax your mind while providing a physical massage for your body, giving you a complete relaxation experience. I assume that David Blaine could give a kick-ass hynpo-massage.
I'm not going to lie; I've never had a hypno-massage. However, I'm recommending it to you because it's the ultimate way to cover your bases in case something goes wrong.

Cops bust in for prostitution? You were hypnotized!
Co-worker sees you on the news coming out of the massage parlor covering your face from reporters? Hypnotized!
Busted buying beer for high school kids so that they'll think you're cool and invite you to their house party? Definitely hypnotized!
(Author's note: Not that I would ever recommend doing that. But if I WAS going to do such a thing, then I would expect that the kids in question wouldn't screw me over after the fact and give me the wrong address for the party. Especially if one of them happened to be my sister. I hate you Katie.)
Tip #3: Avoid massage parlors that use the headline "Totally Safe Environment" in their ads
If they have to say that, it means that the place is likely haunted. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Remember, Asian massage parlors are like panda bears at the zoo. Sure, once in a while one of them might attack a kid and pull his eyes out, giving all of the other pandas a bad name. But overall, they're the most beautiful, majestic sight a person may ever see.